Text by Saihate Tahi
A long time ago, when Haagen-Dazs still had a store, they had a campaign where on the 7th of every month you could eat seven ice creams piled up in a cup for 500 yen, and since I loved Haagen-Dazs Belgian chocolate, sometimes I would get seven cups piled up just of Belgian chocolate to eat. Looking back, it seems like a great deal to be able to eat that much for 500 yen, but at the time it seemed like a real luxury to me.
At the time, I had just started working part-time and didn't have much money, and I didn't really know what I wanted to be or what the future held, so I spent my days searching in the dark for who I was. I think I had written a little poetry, but I didn't think it was something I could continue into the future.
I spent the money I earned from my part-time job on clothes and music I wanted, and yet somehow I found myself in a place where I couldn't see the future. Spending money on things I like should be fun when I don't know what I want for the future, but somewhere along the line, the bottom of the light I had stored up inside me fell out, and I felt hollow, like everything was just going in and out, and I felt lonely.
I like something, but I didn't create it, and I'm not trying to become someone who creates something with that ideal in mind, or someone involved in it. I was happy to be able to earn money, but I always thought it wasn't what I had expected. Buying what I wanted at my own discretion used to be like a dream, but when I bought something, I realized that there was no other feeling behind it other than "I want it," and sometimes I couldn't bear it.
I was rapidly becoming an adult, and I felt like I had gained the freedom to make various choices, but I couldn't feel happy about it. It was also a huge shock to me that I wasn't able to enjoy my freedom to the fullest. In the past, I was frustrated with my desire for freedom, and although I had the energy to rebel against restrictions, when the window finally opened, I didn't have the arrows to shoot through it. Even though I had been clamoring for the window to open,
Looking back, I was so focused on how efficiently I could buy the things I wanted with the money I earned from my part-time job and get what I wanted that I wasn't able to truly enjoy having money. I'm not good at spending money on a whim or on impulse, and maybe that's because I didn't hang out with other people much, but I wasn't the type to buy things on a whim or order things that I'd laugh about on the spur of the moment. I just had a little bit of money, but I guess I was a little too hopeful about it and cautious. Because I had such high expectations, I was scared because I couldn't see the future even if I spent it.
I love ice cream so much that I often went to Haagen-Dazs stores. It was a luxury treat for me, but I still enjoyed having them make me a sundae with a carefully chosen flavor.
I can't quite remember when I first came up with the idea of choosing all seven flavors as my favorite chocolates, but I think it was the most fun and dreamiest way I spent my money at the time. Eat only my favorite flavors. Eat them over and over again. When the store clerk asked me, "Are you sure you want the same ones?" and I nodded with a big grin, I was probably having a great time, buying what I liked, but I don't think I ever felt depressed, thinking, "I'm just buying what I like..." I was enjoying my present, and just knowing that I was enjoying my present made me happy and satisfied.
I think back then I was probably very bad at enjoying being an adult, but now I realize that for once I was doing well.
