My field is
For whom?
Is it something?
When people describe me, they sometimes say things like "refreshing," "masculine," or "like an older man." None of these words really sit well with me, and I wonder why people say "manly" as if it were a compliment. I'm not trying to discuss feminist theory, which includes misogyny and misandry, but I'm simply curious because I've been a woman, both biologically and psychologically, since the age of 0.
When someone describes me as "male-minded," there's a hint of admiration in their comment. When someone describes someone else as "feminine," there's a hint of mockery. Is this a "feminist" comment that's ridiculed in "some parts" of the world? Well, I don't care about the sensibilities of those "some parts," because I freely use the backing of "some parts" Harrison Ford and Harry Styles have openly declared themselves feminists—and I still, sometimes, get upset by various gender-laden words like this.
For example, when I get excited about a delicious-looking pizza with unusual toppings at a dinner table and take a picture, a guy will say with satisfaction, "That's so girly." For example, when I get excited about love, a girl will smile and say, "That's so girly." For example, when I cry because I'm worried about something, someone will say, "You have a feminine side to you," with a puzzled look that could be interpreted as admiration or concern.
No, I've always been a normal woman, I think to myself, but I can also fully understand that they just said it casually because that was different from the impression they had of me. When I don't want to be masculine or feminine, when I just want to live honestly according to the things I find wonderful, the things I like, and the sensibilities that have made me a woman by default, those judgmental words make me feel like I'm doing somersaults and tumbles freely in a big, incomprehensible field where I could dive with my arms outstretched, and suddenly a sign with an arrow on it hits me, and I realize, maybe I should go where the arrow is pointing, and I instinctively change the direction of my gaze.
Someone's casual words can become a stake, a sign, or an arrow, and of course there may be times when I unknowingly put up a sign in someone else's field, but there are days when I don't care about that and can just pull out the handmade sign that someone else has unknowingly stuck in my field by its roots and throw it somewhere, and there are days when I just stare at it, feeling an indescribable emptiness at the stake.
I wondered who my field was for, and since it was in a position where it could be seen by an unspecified number of people, it couldn't be just my field, so what was the minimum area I wanted to protect as my own field?The analogy of fields and somersaults made me feel like I was born and raised in Shikoku, and I suddenly felt a longing to see a casual friend from my hometown who calls me by my first name and who used to roll around in the mountains with me.So I contacted him, and ended up listening to two hours of gossip about how ``Yuhei, who opened a surf shop in Kochi, is apparently having an affair with a customer, but in fact his wife is also having an affair with another customer.''
This month's Hikorohi
